Things That Bother Me

My dad’s favourite cereal is Harvest Crunch

He always said that the best way to eat apple crisp

was with so much milk you couldn’t see anything else

His favourite type of peanut butter is crunchy

He told me that making peanut butter sandwiches

with peanut butter on both slices of bread was the best way to eat it

And you know what the weird thing is

I still make them that way

My dad once convinced me not to commit suicide

because he said it always gets better if you wait

He told me that it wasn’t my fault when he got into that accident

He always told me I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I was

His favourite verse in the Bible is in the new testament

and it is about forgiving other people

He used to always quote it to my mother

begging her not to leave

saying, you can’t stay mad forever

she said, just watch me

My dad said that the reason he didn’t love me

was because love had to be earned, and I hadn’t earned any

My dad told me that I make people do bad things, him do bad things

and that’s why he had to punish me

He had to beat the bad out of me

it’d be better for everyone if I wasn’t breathing

I didn’t get the message until I was staring down the barrel of his gun

I’ve cheated death too many time to be alive

if only he had better aim

People always said that my father was abusive

they always said it as if it was supposed to make me feel better

My last psychiatrist said I was in denial and I just needed to admit it already

The one before that said I didn’t have the right emotional responses to the past

My mom said, you’ve been in therapy since you were 4

they promised me you would be better by now, you have to be normal

Maybe they were right when they said I am a monster

Maybe it was my fault he left

Maybe everyone would be happier without me

Maybe I do make people do bad things

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