Cycles of Loving Me

(Trigger warning: Self harm, suicide)

 

I always thought I was inherently unlovable

After all if I couldn’t even love myself how could I expect someone else to love me

They always said that was the first step

Love yourself first, then someone else later

but it was always SO much easier to love other people

because when I look at them, I don’t see all my mistakes like I do when I look at myself in the mirror

That’s when they sent me to therapy

Sometimes I wonder how much better I actually am, you know

because my first thought is still self harm

it’d be so easy, they’re probably better off with out me anyway

But those thoughts are becoming easier to not act on, so yeah I guess you could say I’m improving

My therapist told me I need a better way to express my feelings than carving them into my skin

My doctor told me I should start drawing, do yoga, or for Gods sake write some damn poetry if you have to

but stop with this self punishment or whatever I liked to call what was happening

or one day when I close my eyes I might not open them again

After all every first is followed by a last

Your first breath is always followed by a last one, eventually

The first time someone tells you they love you is always followed by them forgetting why they loved you

and eventually they stop saying it because what’s the point, you should realize they do by now

Shouldn’t you? Isn’t that the way it goes?

Maybe that’s when it happened

When you forgot why you loved me, I forgot too

I forgot what was loveable about me

When you blamed me for you words, I believed you

After all there had to be a reason you didn’t love me anymore

Maybe you were right

Maybe it was my fault

Maybe you’d be better off without me in your life to ruin it

But anytime I tried to do what’s best for the both of us, you would change in that way that I can’t quite describe yet

and you’d tell me that I was wrong and that you need me, you would say that you love me

Eventually though, you’d forget again and I would too

 

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