Promises

Promises, you always made them but I never understood why you never kept them. I know it’s been a few years since you left but I can’t help but question what I did to make you leave. You promised that you loved me and that it wasn’t my fault but then you disappeared without a word. I’m a bit ashamed to admit that it took me awhile to realize you were gone. I didn’t notice the sudden silence as a bad thing, like you said it was a difficult situation and we all needed to heal in our own time. I just didn’t realize your time would take you somewhere else, or that you’d leave a strange person in your place.

I think it was your eyes that first gave it away, they couldn’t rest upon me for more than a few seconds before they would dart around the room desperately trying to see anything but me and the mistakes. Then it was your voice, I know it had been a long time since the last time we spoke but somehow now the words you said were different, they were cold and distant if that makes sense and there were so few of them. The way you filled a room was all of a sudden deafening, you could scream everyone’s thought without even moving muscle or opening your mouth. You didn’t have to though, we all knew it, we had all seen it, we had all felt it.

All the apologies I feel like I should make are weighing down my chest and they are so heavy that they’re making it impossible to breathe. How do you live with the guilt so easily because it’s killing me?

You keep promising me that nothing has changed, that everyone is the same except me. You say I don’t talk as much as I used to and then you ask me why I can’t seem to look anyone in the eyes anymore. I’m not sure you believe when I say that I’ve tried. You say that you don’t know how much longer we can go on like this and neither do I. I think one of needs to admit that promises don’t mean anything when both of us can’t even admit we were the first to leave.

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